freedom to write

hhey, wondering what should i say today.. jokes, nuh. mellow and sadness.. ohh pleasee. let say, just about present.now. I've been spending alot, or should i say almost everyday thinking about that dead relationship. tell me i'm stupid, yea i know. for godsake, just say whatever opinion you have in mind on me, i don't care anymore. I say.. huh, whatever. Throughout the days, of course I'd spend them alone. not being ungrateful, say with accompanying coworkers and family of course. but still, i would say alone cause they'll never enter my vivid emotions and imaginations, wouldn't . suffering.. especially with those almost real but at the same time fake memories.they just hurts. i know i've been saying this few times. of what hurts, whats sad. yeah pity. but i'm not writing for any empathy neither sympathy. i don't want any. i am not weak, i just have to confess that this might be the best way that i would say i'm tough enough going through all these things. about relationships, lets be open now. i'm not a kind of person who will easily get attracted to someone then on the next day i would start to look for someone else.no. i say, i stick for someone for quite a long time. even if i had a crush or admire somone, to get over them, it will took years, maybe never. so how about if i say it as love, real love, i'll be a dead meat wouldn't i. so whatever it is. right now, i know what type of person they are and what they're not. i'm not easy with words so when i'm in silence, everything chewed slowly on my mind. i digest them. thus, right now, frankly, i have no feelings for anyone. especially love. it may be so undefined but roughly, this is it. i see those opposite sex are really hard to trust and they just destroy me. from him, who left me since i was a baby, whom i didn't even knew. to him, who taken part of me as a worst nightmare, to him, that never knew my feelings and of course lastly to him that, oh i don't even knew. so i would say, say whatever you want to say and do whatever you want to do cause it doesn't even matters. this is not a diary of mine neither its not a confession too. its just present. real and truthful one. i woul really love to be free of any feelings that i never understand. love. i love people, i love everyone. but the love to the opposite sex, never knew what would happen. at present, i want to be free.